Jock scraps

Kyle Orton - He's no Gary Moeller

2005-10-05T15:45:00.000-05:00

We direct you to this hilarious post at new sports site Deadspin for no other reason in that it's funny as hell. (Well, that and the fact Deadspin is our hero, but that's neither her nor there.) Apparently, Bears rookie QB Kyle Orton spent his bye week not studying his team's playbook but instead studying the proper production techniques of a bottle of Jack, right before he deposited what JD he had already imbibed into the nearest toilet stall.
Actually, we've known lots of people who went to Purdue (as Orton did), and this just reiterates what we've known all along: Purdue people can't drink for shit.

Let's play catch-up!

2005-10-05T15:16:00.000-05:00

- The playoffs started. Lah-dee-frickin' dah. To recap day one's riveting action:
1) The Red Sox' pitch like Lindsay Lohan drives. 'Tis a frightful sight, dear citizens.
2) God, we hate the Cardinals. We realize that doesn't have any bearing on yesterday's game, but ... God, we really hate the Cardinals. Good to see Tony LaRussa took time out from trying to get everybody to adopt a fucking dog or cat to guide his team to this gutsy victory. God, we hate the Cardinals.
3) Yanks steal one from Anaheim Angels of Orange County/Los Angeles/Pacific Time Zone/San Adreas Fault/Western Hemisphere. Did you see Bartolo Colon's hair? What's up with that?
- Lest there be topless stripper referees or players given deadly weapons on the ice, you're going to have a hard time getting us all hot and bothered for the return of the NHL, especially once we learned they're showing the games on something called OLN. Ride that rocket, NHL. You guys are going places.
- Does Michelle Wie going pro in golf mean we don't have to wait for her to turn 18 now? Probably depends what state you live in. We'll keep our fingers crossed while legal gets this checked out for us.

Sports Cliche of the Week - Vote now!

2005-09-23T09:06:00.000-05:00

It's that time again, sports fans, where we give you the chance for your voice to be heard. Send in your votes right away for this week's most gratuitous, canned or just plain ridiculous sports cliche.

A worthy slate of candidates awaits your dissemination:

1) Indian 1B Travis Hafner (who is a bad, bad man, by the way) on his team’s 8-0 pasting of the White Sox on Wednesday night helped them take 2 of 3 from the Pale Hose and move withing 2 1/2 games in the AL Central:
“We’ve been playing pretty well and hopefully we can continue to win games,” Hafner said. “Hopefully, that series at the end of the year means something, it would be pretty exciting.”

2) Meanwhile, last night White Sox outfielder Jermaine Dye was trying his darndest to spit-shine the turd that is his tcolossalollosal choke job after they dropped an extra-inning tilt to the Twins, allowing the Tribe to move within even closer:
“We’re just missing pitches. We’ve got to continue to battle and not put pressure on ourselves,” Dye said after Thursday night's crushing 4-1 loss to the Minnesota Twins in 11 innings. “We've got to play these games out and see where we're at,” Dye said.

3) Switching over to pigskin, Falcons coach Jim Mora Jr. discusses the possibility of playing this week without star QB Ron Mexico:
“I hope that he's OK. I think that he's OK,” the coach said. “If he's not, then we will go on. We’ll keep playing because there's nothing we can do about it.”

4) Back to baseball: After the YankeesÂ’ 2-1 win, coupled with the Red Sox’ bullpen-induced loss at Tampa Bay Wednesday night, thrusted them into first place of the AL East, Bronx Bomber catcher John Flaherty went all canned-quote on our asses when discussing the outing of Big Unit/Red Ass pitcher Randy Johnson:
“We got to where we want to be, but it doesn't change the focus of this team at all,” Flaherty said. “This is going to be a grind all the way out.”

5) And last, but certainly not least, in the nation's capital on his first road trip of 2005, Barry Bonds questioned why Congress, the media and fans continue to talk about steroids. **(Actually, this isn’t a cliche at all from Barry Bonds. We just highlighted this quote, in which he kindly suggests Congress stop looking into steroid use in baseball and concentrate on more important things, because it shows Bonds is either completely fucking clueless or has balls as big as his elephantine head)**:
“I think we have other issues in this country to worry about that are a lot more serious. I think you guys should direct your efforts into taking care of that,” the San Francisco Giants slugger said Tuesday before facing the Washington Nationals. “Talk about the athletes that are helping Katrina. Ask yourselves how much money y’all personally donated and have helped.”

Simply. Fucking. Stunning.

Vote throught the comments section. The winner will receive nothing but derision and mockery.

Thanks for playing!

Boxing, please go bye-bye

2005-09-23T08:56:00.000-05:00

There's nothing funny about this story whatsoever, and even we wouldn't try to find a joke anywhere in this tragic turn of events. We're instead using this to start a campaign for something we actually take seriously here at Jock Scraps headquarters: Boxing just needs to go away in all its forms for good.

Mindfuck of the day: Billy Corgan knows more about baseball than you

2005-09-22T14:23:00.000-05:00

When we saw this story teased on the Chicago Tribune's Web site, we were ready to tear into it, expecting to find a Cubs-related Q&A with former Smashing Pumpkins frontman and general weirdo Billy Corgan a comedic cornucopia of quotes and observations ready to be ridiculed mercilessly. Seriously, this is like having David Bowie break down the WNBA playoffs or Shakira prognosticate on the first BCS poll coming out.

Then we read it. Corgan knows him some fucking Cubs. It's quite depressing to find out some guy who used to write songs about aliens and probably did more heroin in the '90s than, ummm, we did knows more about our national pastime then we do. We're not sure if Corgan's got any tours planned for next summer, but if not, Jim Hendry needs to clear some space in the Cubs front office for this freak and make his first priority getting something in return for Corey Patterson.

Atlanta Braves fans do the Tomahawk Chop of Infectious-Disease Death

2005-09-22T11:19:00.000-05:00

Men are disgusting pigs. No study is needed to prove that. Anyone who's ever braved the third-world trough urinals at Wrigley Field have seen just how far into the depths of human squalor a man is willing to go when he has to break the seal after 8 beers.

Studies apparently do need to be held, however, to remind us just how disgusting they can be from time to time.

That's why this story is so entertaining. We always knew Braves fans didn't give much of a shit about their team, but who knew that apathy spread to the pissers as well? Braves Fan ranked worse in a recent study of baseball-fan cleanliness, defined by taking all of 20 seconds to wash your hands after using the loo.

Of course, part of this could be explained by the fact that the majority of Braves fans come from Georgia, where running water and soap are so foreign and unfamiliar to locals they don't want to look stupid by admitting they don't know how to wash their hands.

Wired gets juiced

2005-09-22T09:30:00.000-05:00

Computer-nerd bible Wired ran an interesting editorial from Mark McClusky on its Web site yesterday, essentially arguing for the end of steroids policing and testing in professional sports on account of its incredibly inefficiency and ineffectiveness. This being Wired, McClusky also pointed to the rapid and rather unchecked proliferation in product technology across the sporting spectrum and asked how different golfers using 460cc drivers and baseball players using EPO actually are.
Taking a libertarian stance, McClusky suggested letting the market and the technology take care of itself, assuming that things will just turn out fine.
What's our take on McClusky's interesting argument and theory, you're probably wondering?

Mark McClusky is obviously Barry Bonds' pen name. Nice try, Bar-roid, but we could smell that one coming a mile away.

Unintentionally arousing headline of the day

2005-09-20T15:40:00.000-05:00

We got WAY too excited when we first glanced at this headline on ESPN.com, which we had unfortunately misconstrued as meaning Michelle Wie had finally turned 18. Alas, this was not the case; Wie is still a few weeks away from her 16th birthday, and plans to turn pro before her sweet 16. It's just not the same for us. At least we know when to set our "Countdown to 18" calendar to now.

Uncle Swann

2005-09-15T09:50:00.000-05:00

You know, we've had this theory all along that Lynn Swann is actually a white guy with a really good tan, and ... well, this just validates that.

How else do you explain the picture of Swanny standing next to GW in this article on ESPN.com? We can't come up with anything else even remotely plausible. Give us your best guesses.

[AP Photo/Donna McWilliam, via ESPN.com]

Jock Scraps lives! (For now)

2005-09-14T17:29:00.000-05:00

- What, you may ask, is so important that it finally dragged us away from our real work here at Jock Scraps World Headquarters to share with you, our loyal reader(s)? Baseball's red-hot pennant races? Another exciting weekend in college football or the NFL? Hockey starting training camp? Dan Klecko going Kevin Mitchell on some unsuspecting pedestrian?
Wrong on all counts! It's the WNBA Finals, ladies and gentlemen, and if you don't get excited for this, well, you must have no soul inside your cold, empty shell of a body.

The brass at WNBA headquarters still haven't figured out that the only way to get people to watch their dreadful product is to either 1) Force the losing team to make out with each other after every game, or 2) play the games in a pool of baby oil instead of a basketball court. We could tell you who's playing in this year's sure-to-be-historic tilt, but we know we'd lose any and all credibility with our loyal readers instantly. We're not walking that plank.

Bill Simmons, Menace 2 Society

2005-09-08T11:46:00.000-05:00

No, we haven't been stranded on the roof of a New Orleans house the past week, waiting to be rescued, nor have we been stuck in the wreckage of a Biloxi casino blown three blocks inland by Katrina. But, like many people, we've been unable to peel ourselves from the TV, watching this heartbreaking story unfold over the past week. We've also done what we could by donating to the Red Cross, despite the fact we actually don't make any money, and we would urge you to do the same.

Anyhoo, on to the reason for this highly belated post:

We should have announced this right away, but we really don't like ESPN.com scribe Bill Simmons. We mean, we REALLY don't like him. He's a smug, pretentious smartass little wisp of a man. He's like the guy at the end of the bench of the best team in your league, the pasty white guy in short-shorts who never sees the floor except to shake hands at the end and slap his annoyed teammates on the back, yet gets to yell "Scoreboard" at everyone else. He has no discernible talent when he comes to writing; we assume he fancies himself a humorous columnist, yet we find pediatric cancer to have more comedic value than Simmons' pedestrian, predictable efforts.

Here's our latest reason to hate Simmons, as if we needed one: Billy unveiled his highly anticipated (did that sarcasm come through strong enough?) picks for the upcoming NFL season today. In a shocking departure from his usual blind, regional alliances and East Coast bias that taints his coverage of all sports, Simmons tabs the unlikeliest of teams to triumph - the Patriots.

Throw in some derivative movie-related crap, lots of compartmentalized writing, and too many bad jokes to mention, and you've got yourself a standard-issue Bill Simmons column. In fact, we thinks Simmons has three or four column templates on his computer, where all he has to do is plug in a few subjects, names and places and press "send." They're probably listed "Patriots column," "Red Sox column," "Celtics column," and "Make fun of Peyton Manning column."

By the way, we find it at least a little comforting - although not at all surprising - that we're not alone in wanting this schmuck to go the way of Trev Alberts.

Monday-evening catchup: Maurice Clarett, meet the Toronto Argonauts

2005-08-29T19:40:00.000-05:00

- If anyone actually thought the whole Maurice Clarett/Denver Broncos thing was going to work out, the Broncs have got a cushy front-office job just for you. Even the Chargers, who, lest we forget, used the second overall pick on Ryan Leaf once, are busting Mike "Rat Face" Shanahan's balls for the biggest waste of a pick ever.
- Hey - Cedric Benson is alive! Color us shocked!
- Apparently, we were on a bad acid trip during last year's (tennis) U.S. Open, because someone named Svetlana Kuznetsova won the entire thing last year. Why is this the first time we've heard of this (or her, for that matter)? Anyway, this Ms. Kuznetsova makes news the bad way today by becoming the first defending Open champ to lose in the first round.
- When we read this story about people selling fake LiveStrong bracelets for profit, we were outraged, as you might guess. Not that someone would stoop to such nefarious activities, however; we were outraged we didn't think of it first. Don't worry, our VP of new business ventures has already been fired.

Sports Cliche of the Day: The results

2005-08-25T14:28:00.000-05:00

It's time to unveil the results from the second installment of our new, wildly popular contest, Sports Cliche of the Day. Once again, the response was simply overwhelming. Let's review the nominees:

- Yankees skipper Joe Torre:
"In our situation, we were just happy to be hanging around," Torre said. "As badly as we played at times and as frustrating as some streaks have been, we always managed to stay close enough to make sure that if we did go into a little hot streak, we could do something. And right now, we control our own destiny. That's really all you want. We have our future in our hands.

- Next up, Chargers freak of nature/tight end Antonio Gates:
"I'm quite sure at some point something will get done," said Gates, who wants to be paid in the range of the league's other top tight ends. "I'm here basically on good faith that something will get done. They want me here, so we have an understanding that most likely something will get done." Well done, AG. Spoken like a seasoned cliche vet.

- Last but not least, Cowboys coach Bill Parcels and his jiggly man-titties:
"I thought he did a pretty good job tonight doing what we asked him to do," Parcells said. "We gave him a little more latitude ... There's a lot of lessons there and hopefully we can go forward." Ahh, the trusty "hopefully we can go forward." The old mainstay.

Here's how the tally broke down:
Torre (0 votes)
Gates (0 votes)
Parcells (0 votes)

This will be twice in a row we get to serve as tiebreaker! We feel like mighty Zeus, sitting atop Mount Olympus, ready to cast his almighty vote and set fate according to his own whims. And if you don't like our vote, we'll shove a thunderbolt up your ass, so suck it.

We're going with Gates. For a player of his inexperience with the cliche, the ability to work the same cliched phrase three times into the same quote just begs to be recognized.

POSTSCRIPT: Shortly after being nominated for this award, the Chargers and Gates agreed to a nice little six-year deal to make him one of the highest-paid players at his position. Coincidence? We think not.

Thanks for playing. Keep an eye out for the next Sports Cliche of the Day, coming soon.

Lance on France: Let them eat cheese. Or suck it. I really don't care.

2005-08-25T14:14:00.000-05:00

Alright, Frenchies. Mr. Armstrong is getting very upset at your constant allegation of steroid use. What's more, all those Americans who figured they'd never have to mention professional cycling again after Lance's retirement are really starting to get pissed off as well. So knock it off, OK? Armstrong could have won all seven (or was it six? or eight? Who gives a shit?) of his Tours with a fucking hypodermic needle sticking out of his white ass, and we couldn't care any less. Our guess is that if he did take steroids, he was probably hoping his other nut would somehow grow back. Steroids can help, Lance, but they don't work miracles. Or so we hear.

At this point, we're not sure what's worse about this situation: The fact that we are once again talking about Wonderboy Lance Armstrong and the godforsaken Tour de France; or that we've had to endure endless hairy-armpit and horrible-B.O. jokes about the French as the full force of the American sports punditry rises up in indignant anger to defend their All-American Golden Boy.

Sports Cliche of the Day: 23 August 2005

2005-08-23T11:02:00.000-05:00

Back by overwhelmingly popular demand, it's the second edition of our Sports Cliche of the Day. Let's cut through the, ummm, cliches and get straight to today's very worthy nominees:

- You can always count on Yankees skipper Joe Torre for some canned-quotation goodness. Mr. Joe went to the well after a Yankees win over the Blue Jays last night at Yankee Stadium:
"In our situation, we were just happy to be hanging around," Torre said. "As badly as we played at times and as frustrating as some streaks have been, we always managed to stay close enough to make sure that if we did go into a little hot streak, we could do something. And right now, we control our own destiny. That's really all you want. We have our future in our hands.

- Next up is Chargers freak of nature/tight end Antonio Gates, who finally reported to camp after a holdout in hopes of getting a new deal after his breakout campaign last season. Gates earns a nod here solely on the ability to use the same phrase three times in one quote:
"I'm quite sure at some point something will get done," said Gates, who wants to be paid in the range of the league's other top tight ends. "I'm here basically on good faith that something will get done. They want me here, so we have an understanding that most likely something will get done." Well done, AG. Spoken like a seasoned cliche vet.

- Speaking of seasoned vets, we can always count on Cowboys coach Bill Parcels. When he isn't wearing short shorts jacked up around his ginormous man-titties or dropping inappropriate Asian slurs, Parcells is a reliable font of sports cliches:
"I thought he did a pretty good job tonight doing what we asked him to do," Parcells said. "We gave him a little more latitude ... There's a lot of lessons there and hopefully we can go forward." Ahh, the trusty "hopefully we can go forward." The old mainstay.

Send in your votes (or your own suggestions) right away!

Sports Cliche of the Day: The Results

2005-08-22T16:52:00.000-05:00

On Friday, we regaled you with details of our new exclusive contest, the Sports Cliche of the Day. To recap, here are the nominees from the first contest:

- Nationals closer Chad Cordero, after a close Nats win over the Phillies:
"We just had to go out there and do what we were supposed to do," Cordero said. "We try not to put too much pressure on ourselves and it came out pretty good."

- Not to be outdone, Indians pitcher Jake Westbrook ratchets up the cheese factor with this beauty after his knocked off the Rangers: "I just thought, 'This is what you do, get ground balls,'" Westbrook said. "Here and there, I felt good. I battled, the defense was great and our bullpen did what they always do."

- Wait a minute now, says Saints safety Dwight Smith. Why let the baseball dudes have all the cliche fun?: "We really wanted to come in here and get a win, regardless of what unit was in the game," said Smith, who picked Brady off on the first play from scrimmage.

After tallying and recounting the votes, here's where your allegiances lie:

Cordero (0 votes)
Westbrook (0 votes)
Smith(0 votes)

We probably should have told you that, in case of a tie, we'll cast the deciding vote. It's incredibly exciting and encouraging for us to have our first-ever Sports Cliche of the Day include such a close vote, but we have to give the award to somebody.

We're going with Cordero. You'd be hard-pressed to get any more cliched than that first sentence. The bar for all future Sports Cliche of the Day contests has been raised awfully high by Mr. Cordero.

Reached by Jock Scraps and notified of his award, Cordero was understandably excited: "I just did what I had to do," he said. "I knew that if I took care of my part, that everything else would, too. I just need to take it one game at a time."

Seriously, folks ...

2005-08-22T12:50:00.000-05:00

There's nothing even remotely funny about the death over the weekend of 49ers lineman Thomas Herrion's, and even we have enough tact not to try and make a joke about this tragic situation. This is merely to send our condolences and best wishes to his family, friends and teammates. We sincerely hope it is a long, long time (if ever) before we have to hear about a similarly tragic turn of events before, during or after a sporting event again.

New feature: Sports Cliche of the Day

2005-08-19T14:37:00.000-05:00

Welcome to our newest contest! Can you feel the excitement? Every day here at jock scraps (or every other day, or whenever we feel like it — just be grateful we're doing it all, okey dokey?), we'll honor that special athlete, coach, general manager, agent, sportscaster, columnist, beat writer, anyone who puts forth the most perfectly cliched rah-rah sports phrase of the day. Here are today's contestants:

- Nationals closer Chad Cordero, after a close Nats win over the Phillies:
"We just had to go out there and do what we were supposed to do," Cordero said. "We try not to put too much pressure on ourselves and it came out pretty good."

- Not to be outdone, Indiana pitcher Jake Westbrook ratchets up the cheese factor with this beauty after his knocked off the Rangers: "I just thought, 'This is what you do, get ground balls,'" Westbrook said. "Here and there, I felt good. I battled, the defense was great and our bullpen did what they always do."

- Wait a minute now, says Saints safety Dwight Smith. Why let the baseball dudes have all the cliche fun?: "We really wanted to come in here and get a win, regardless of what unit was in the game," said Smith, who picked Brady off on the first play from scrimmage.

That's all we've got for now. Send in your votes or other worthy nominees as soon as you can.

Thursday evening roundup: Randy likes candy

2005-08-18T21:55:00.000-05:00

- New Raiders wideout Randy Moss is getting really tired of having to hear about all this T.O. shit. How tired? He felt the need to share with the world that Ricky Williams isn't the only guy in the NFL who keeps a steady dose of greens in his diet.
- Remember when we were talking about how much the Cubs sucked? (We do.) Well, that ain't nothing. The Royals are taking sucking to historic levels. You'd almost feel bad for them if it weren't so damn funny. Plus, we've seen "Major League" enough times to know all you need is a cardboard cutout of your bitch owner to turn things around.
- We can only imagine the naked strippers, piles of cash and unicorns jumping over rainbows Gary Bettman had to be thinking of as he so courageously tried to smile while putting a positive spin on the fact NHL games will be showed on the Outdoor Life Network for the next two years. Cheer up, Gary; those reruns of Jimmy Houston's fishing show will be the perfect lead-in to National Hockey Night.
- To be quite honest, we don't care what the details of this deal are, and we really don't care if the NCAA runs a monopoly on college basketball's preseason. We really don't. Just as long as they don't take our precious away.
- If you're wondering why we haven't mentioned anything about the interminable T.O. saga yet, it's not a mistake. We're mad at T.O. He shows back up to camp yesterday, without so much as an inflammatory comment or public flare-up in front of Andy Reid, Donovan McNabb, Joe Banner or anyone. He gave us nothing. What the hell are we supposed to do with ourselves if we don't have hourly T.O. updates. What he said? What Drew Rosenhaus said? What Andy Reid said? What McNabb ... umm, didn't say? We find ourselves overwhelmingly unmotivated to do anything until T.O. does something to piss someone off. So do something already! Harumph.

Law & Order: U-Con (We just thought that up. Seriously.)

2005-08-18T21:45:00.000-05:00

Everybody's making a big hullabaloo about the recent arrests of UConn guards Marcus Williams and A.J. Price in connection with the theft of four laptop computers on campus in Storrs. "Think about the children," they say. "What does this say about the current state of college athletics?"

You know what we think it says? Jim Calhoun's not doing his fucking job. Where are the boosters in all of this? Why do these kids have to resort to stealing laptops **[allegedly]** at a school of UConn's D-I credentials in the first place? Are Williams and Price stealing laptops **[allegedly]** because they need the computers? That's where the boosters come in. Are they stealing the laptops **[allegedly]** for the money? Boosters. It's that simple, Coach Calhoun. You've been at this for a while now. If you had handled this right and gotten Messrs. Williams and Price set up with some friendly UConn boosters, you wouldn't be dealing with all this unpleasantness right now. Your only saving grace is that its happening when college basketball is the last thing on anyone's mind. By the time the Pigskin Classic kicks off in a couple of weekends and MLB's wild card race nears its climax, people will have forgotten all about this little mess. Let's hope you've learned your lesson.

Monday-evening/Weekend catchup/wrap-up/review etc. et al

2005-08-15T22:53:00.000-05:00

- First, Phil Mickelson was the Best Player Never to Win a Major. Then, nary a year and a half after his dramatic breakthrough at the Masters, he had become the Best Player to Only Win One Major. Well, Hefty and his impressive set of man-titties laid that moniker to rest today with the capture of his 2nd major, winning the PGA Championship by dropping a tap-in birdie on the 72nd hole to hold off challengers Steve Elkington and Thomas Bjorn. With this most recent breakthrough, Mickelson will go back to assuming his most commonly applied title among PGA players, the Fattest/Homeliest Guy With a Wife That Hot.
- We're truthfully afraid that the latest step taken by the Eagles in their ongoing imbroglio with despot wide receiver Terrell Owens may have finally crossed that point of no return: They sent him a terse letter. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are surely descending upon us as you read this.
- Traditionally, a piece of news like perpetually injured Bears QB breaking his ankle during the team's first preseason game and being out at least three months would almost certainly try to fit in our overworked Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept. In retrospect, however, we deemed that far too cruel, seeing as how Grossman could in all likelihood actually be knocked over with a feather, and would break his collarbone and blow out his ACL in the process.

McNabb, T.O. probably won't be whispering sweet nothings to each other. Or will they?

2005-08-12T14:18:00.000-05:00

Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb addressed his very public falling out with malcontent wideout Terrell Owens this morning in a press conference. Owens was on ESPN more times than Steven A. Smith last night, telling any talking head with a hair helmet and bad suit that he thought McNabb was a "hypocrite," that he didn't think the two of them could be successful together, and that he had no desire to speak with his quarterback in an effort to diffuse the escalating situation.

Although McNabb mainly brushed off all T.O.-related questions, he did take time to issue a terse warning to Mr. Owens, cautioning him to "keep my name out of your mouth."

Now, if you're like us (ad we're sure you are), your first thought is that there are probably numerous ways to make the same statement without having it sound so homoerotic. Frankly, however, we're so fed up with this fucking story, we'll take any new angle we can get to keep us interested.

Jason White is still alive?

2005-08-12T10:02:00.000-05:00

That's news to us, unlike the announcement from Titans camp that the former Heisman winner from Oklahoma had decided to give up his professional career. Of course, we were always under the impression you actually had to have a professional career before you could give it up, but we're probably just splitting hairs here.

This is a real shame. We were hoping White would make enough money playing in the NFL that he could finally go wild and get his teeth fixed. Apparently not.

Gratuitous, tasteless joke alert

2005-08-12T09:31:00.000-05:00

Has anyone not yet seen that awful collision between Mets outfielders Mike Cameron and Carlos Beltran yesterday during the team's loss to the Padres? Ouch.

Now that's what we call putting your heads together!

We just thought of that. Honestly.

We're here all week.

Wednesday-evening catchup: T.O. cuts the fuck out

2005-08-10T19:36:00.000-05:00

- Hope Eagles fans enjoyed that memorable run to the Super Bowl last year after three years of falling short, because this season's going to be a made-for-TV fucking soap opera. The latest plot twist: T.O. and Eagles coach Andy Reid apparently got in a bit of a verbal donnybrook today, resulting in Reid's asking Mr. Owens to kindly remove himself from the premises. We've also heard that T.O. has subsequently been suspended for seven days, which of course doesn't mean shit except it's one less preseason game for Owens to sit through pretending he cares.
- Newly reinstated goon Todd Bertuzzi sends out a letter of thanks to his fans for helping him through his ordeal. He also threatens to punch anyone who boos him straight in the brain. We believe him, too.
- Frankly, we're surprised (if not a little disappointed) this is the first time Gracie has ever been caught dropping F-bombs on the air as a color analyst for the D'backs. The only thing that could have made it any better would have been if he regaled the folks at home with his "slumpbuster" stories. (If you have to ask, then don't bother. Gracie is our hero.)
- Speaking of soap operas: All indications from Browns' camp today were that the team and first-round pick Braylon Edwards were on the verge of finally agreeing on a contract. So much so that Edwards was actually at the team's complex today preparing to join them for their afternoon practice. Next thing anybody knows, Edwards is back in the lead car of a three-ride entourage on his way back to Detroit, apparently because of a hangup about a "personal services" clause the team wants in the deal.
Whatever. We always thought a contract of any kind was a "personal services" clause the player is signing over to his employer, but what the fuck do we know? We've been drunk all day.

One-hitters: Trapped in a glass case of emotion

2005-08-09T21:48:00.000-05:00

- So then, let's see if we've got this straight: Use performance-enhancing drugs in professional tennis, go bye-bye for two years; use performance enhancing drugs in baseball, especially to help you make that final push for the Hall of Fame, go bye-bye for 10 days. Criminally assault a cameraman because he's cramping your style? Go bye-bye for 20 games, but then just have an arbitrator step in and say 13 games has already been enough. He did say he was sorry, didn't he? Suhh-weeeeeet!
- We know we've said this before, but the Cubs really suck. In fact, they're the suckiest bunch of sucks who've ever sucked in the history of sucking.
- The New Jersey Nets finally make up their mind in the ongoing Shareef Abdur-Rahim saga, and tell the Trail Blazers to talk to the hand and keep the injured forward. The Nets pick up space-filling forward Marc Jackson from the 76ers instead. Yawn.
- We thought the sign-and-trade deal with Phoenix phenom Joe Johnson going to the dreadful Hawks was a pretty intriguing story for the NBA to play up during the offseason. Then one incredibly anal-retentive member of the Hawks' ownership group freaked out about the size of Johnson's new contract, then restraining orders and injunctions got involved, then all of a sudden we didn't care anymore!
- We know this doesn't have anything to do with sports, but it's a monkey drinking its own pee, so what the fuck, you know? It's funny, because it's a monkey.

Monday-evening catchup: T. Bertuzzi free to donkey-punch once again

2005-08-08T21:05:00.000-05:00

- We assume that when those who follow the NHL talked about improving its public image in the wake of its season-long lockout, getting Wayne Gretzky to coach one of its teams, in this case the Phoenix Coyotes, was exactly the kind of thing they were talking about. On the other hand, reinstating Todd Bertuzzi to once again try and denogginize any player who won't fight him? Ehh, not so much.
- The New York Jets win the Ty Law Sweepstakes, signing the former Patriot cornerback to a backloaded and incentive-heavy four-year deal that could be worth nearly $30 million. Now, Patriots coach Bill Belichik has a new guy to make his bitch beside Peyton Manning. And he gets to do it twice a year.
- Retief Goosen emerges from a grueling, 36-hole final day Sunday to take last place (or first place or whatever) at the International, with its Modified Stableford scoring system. To celebrate, Goosen received a nice polish for his outer shell and then was plugged back into the wall to recharge. He's a robot - get it?

NCAA scalps use of Injun nicknames

2005-08-05T14:58:00.000-05:00

The reverberations of this decision could be massive, as the NCAA lays the smack down on college teams using Indian nicknames it deems to be "hostile or abusive," banning offending schools from postseason play unless they change their names to something less insulting.

This ruling even directly affects us here at Jock Scraps, as our beloved alma mater will now undoubtedly have to change its mascot, the Fightin' Alcoholic Casino-Runnin' Godless Heathens. Man, and we just got our new sweatshirts, too! Damn you, NCAA. Damn you.

College football: Trojans to provide ribbed pleasure, protection from top of preseason poll

2005-08-05T14:37:00.000-05:00

Seriously, is God just testing us today? (More than ususal, at least.) All we've had to work with is shit that has no business anywhere else but in our Knocked Over With a Feather Dept.

Case in point: The USA Today preseason Coaches' Poll was released today, and the team overwhelmingly picked to two-and-a-half-peat is ... wait for it ...

... Southern Cal! (You can take a second to let the set in.)

You really could have knocked us over with a feather when we read that two coaches actually didn't give their votes to the Men of Troy.

Anyway, here's how the top 25 breaks down:

1) USC (60 first-place votes)
2) Like it matters
3) Who fucking cares?
4) And you're still reading this because ...

Wait - we already pulled this gag, didn't we? Shame on us.

You get the picture.

BREAKING: Pranksters sabotage PGA tourney in Colorado?

2005-08-05T14:19:00.000-05:00

It seems to us that some silly head in charge of posting scores online from the International in Castle Rock, Colo. is either drunk or having a little fun with us golf fans trying to follow the tournament on the Internets. This is what the scoreboard looked like just a few minutes ago:

1 - Geoff Ogilvy 11 F 11 11 - - -
2 - Corey Pavin* 10 F 10 10 - - -
3 - Stewart Cink* 9 F 9 9 - - -
T4 - Brad Faxon 8 F 8 8 - - -
T4 - Frank Lickliter II 8 F

Hey dumb-dumbs, you've got your scores backwards! They've got the guy in last place (with a +11, ouch!) at the top. Fuckin' amateurs.

What's that? They use something called the Modified Stableford System for this tournament?

Sure they do. Nice try, mister. You'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to get us to buy something as far-fetched as that.

Sheff don't take no mess

2005-08-05T13:13:00.000-05:00

Gary Sheffield is mad as hell and he's not going to take it anymore. (We figure this too could have gone in the "Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept.," but that's been done to death recently, mmmkay?)

Sheffield used the occasion of an interview in an upcoming issue of New York magazine to unload on ... well, we're not sure who he's unloading on. But one thing's for sure: Mr. Sheff no likey it when everyone starts in on the A-Rod and Jeter love fest.

Furthermore, Sheff, despite his relatively short tenure in the Bronx, doesn't think guys like Jeter or A-Rod are the real leaders of the team. Really, he doesn't. Just ask him: "I know who the leader is on the team. I ain't going to say who it is, but I know who it is. I know who the team feeds off. I know who the opposing team comes in knowing they have to defend to stop the Yankees. I know this. The people don't know. Why? The media don't want them to know. They want to promote two players in a positive light, and everyone else is garbage."

You would probably guess that, if Sheff doesn't think Messrs. Jeter and Rodriguez are the leaders and he "knows who the leader is on the team," he's obviously talking about himself right?

Wrong. He's actually talking about Don Zimmer.

Oh, that Sheff. He's crazy like that.

From the Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept.

2005-08-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

If it seems like there's been a lot of developments from this department lately, it's because there has. (Duh.) As the interminable baseball season starts to wear on players, the injuries start to pile up, especially among the game's most injury-prone stars (see Kerry Wood, Chipper Jones, etc).

At the same time, football season is getting under way, giving us a whole new stream of injuries sure to come down the pipeline as practices start getting physical and preseason games begin this weekend.

Anyhoo, building on that note — Courtney Brown got hurt yesterday!

Our world is upside down right now. If Courtney Brown gets injured, surely there must be no God.

NIT goes crying to mommy

2005-08-05T09:33:00.000-05:00

We realize we haven't been posting as much lately. To be quite honest, we've been too shaken by the prospect of no more "Chappelle's Show" to fully concentrate on anything else going on right now. We're slowly coming to grips with that terrifying possibility, however, and are courageously trying to get back into the swing of things in the sporting world.

Well, we were, until we read the other day how the crybaby schools that put on the preseason and postseason NIT tournaments each year are suing the NCAA for antitrust violations, because the NCAA requires those who it extends Big-Dance invites to to actually accept said invites. If you think this sounds frivolous and ridiculous, you're right. (Like some middle-of-the-pack major school with a .500 conference record is going to turn down a huge payday for an 8-9 game: "Uh, no thanks NCAA, we're going to go ahead and take the NIT up on their offer. We've got enough money as it is.") The stakes, however, are quite real; especially considering the fact the NCAA derives about 90 percent of its annual revenue from March Madness.

Let us just say this: A lot of people joke that the excitement that is March Madness is like Christmas in March for them. Well, March Madness is our Christmas. We actually bring our tree back out of the basement on Selection Sunday and put a bunch of empty brackets in gift wrapping underneath. We've always seemed to come down with a mysterious illness that's kept us out work that first Thursday and Friday.

Now, some whiny little schools want to take our Precious away from us because all the other schools want to be friends with the big, bad NCAA instead of coming to their stupid little party? Like we said, we know the odds of anything actually happening to our Precious are slim, but if something actually did ... well, we are just going to snap.

That is all for now. Thank you for your time. We will now step down from our soap box.

Harrumph.

Orioles tell Mazzilli they just want to be friends

2005-08-04T13:33:00.000-05:00

Just a few weeks ago, Orioles skipper Lee Mazzilli was on top of the world, what with his overachieving bunch tearing out of the gate and leading the uber-competitive AL East from Opening Day almost straight through to the All-Star Break.

Now, however, Mazzilli finds himself at the back of the unemployment line, as the Orioles kicked the neophyte skipper to the curb today. With his team mired in an eight-game losing streak and almost completely out of postseason contention, not to mention that little unpleasantry with Raffy Palmeiro and his tainted supplements, it's hard to say we didn't see this coming. But considering that Mazzilli got less than two years to prove himself, without anything even resembling a real pitching staff and a steady stream of injuries, we also felt ol' Lee had maybe done enough to keep himself around for at least another year. But we're also really drunk, so, shows you what we know.

Now all that's left is for Mazzilli to go back up to New York and ask the Don, Joe Torre, for a little favor. Shortly thereafter, Peter Angelos will wake up to find his dog shot dead and his son-in-law with a broken arm. Hope he gets the message.

From the Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept.

2005-08-04T12:23:00.000-05:00

Imagine the shock that ran through Jock Scraps headquarters (and in every newsroom across the country) when it was announced that one-and-a-half-time defending national champ USC was unanimously picked to win the Pac 10 by the conference's beat writers and prognosticators. The actual voting results were released once the announcement of the Trojans' coronation was made, and here's how it all broke down:

1. USC (41 1st place votes)
2) Like it matters
3) Who fucking cares?
3) See #2, #3
4) Why are you still reading this?
5) Are you a Washington State alum or something?
6) Get a fucking life, please
7) Did you miss the part that said USC at the top?
8) You're really starting to piss us off
9) That's it ...
10) Washington

Looks like another solid, well-reasoned and -considered job of predicting from that wily group of Pac 10 scribes. Should make for an exciting season!

Annals of sports business: Competition to tag-team Nike?

2005-08-03T11:01:00.000-05:00

Finally fed up of getting the proverbial wedgie from industry bully Nike for the past two decades, Adidas announces an agreement to purchase former competitor Reebok in a deal worth just under $4 billion.

We're not sure if Reebok's new association with Adidas will make Adidas' gear suckier, or if Adidas' new association with Reebok will make Reebok's gear less suckier, but let's hope it's the latter and not the former. If only for Sergio Garcia's sake.

One-hitters: Stevie Wonder afraid of the outside

2005-08-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

- We're beginning to wonder if Red Wings forward Steve Yzerman might have a serious case of agoraphobia going on. The Detroit legend signs a one-year deal to play his 22nd straight season with the same team. The team didn't even say if Yzerman will actually go on road trips with the Red Wings or if he'll stay behind in his living quarters buried deep below Joe Louis Arena.
- Mariners pitcher Ryan Franklin is probably sending flowers and candy to Rafael Palmeiro today. Why? Because of Raffy's high-profile positive test that was finally made public yesterday, nobody gives two shits that Franklin himself received a 10-game timeout from MLB for a positive steroid test.
- The NBA tells MLB to suck it long and hard when it comes to trades, as the Association sees an incredibly busy night: The centerpiece is this five-team, 13-player behemoth, with Antoine Walker going to Miami. We could try and explain who went where, but we'd just as soon carve our eyes out with a serving spoon, so you'll just have to read the article yourself and work out a flow chart, you dig? Also, Bonzi Wells goes from Memphis to Sacramento; and he's joined there by somebody named Jason Hart in a deal with Charlotte. Oh, and by the way, the Heat gave the Diesel a cool $100 million in a new five-year deal.
- About the only thing more shocking and unexpected than Kerry Wood getting hurt would have to be Chipper Jones getting hurt. Well, whaddya know!
- We found this story interesting because Ravens cornerback Deion Sanders revealed today that he was tested weekly for steroids by the NFL last year. We're guessing that folks with the NFL just figured there had to be some explanation for those suits Neon was wearing on the CBS pre-game show before he returned to the league. Steroids would be as good an explanation as anything else, don't you think?

Obligatory hockey item of the day

2005-08-02T14:46:00.000-05:00

We've seen this piece of "news" on more than one reputable sports site today, but frankly, we're dubious. First off, we've never heard of an Adam Foote; and secondly, the idea of an NHL team in Columbus is so absurd we're beginning to think this entire story is a hoax.

We won't rest until we know for sure.

We've got holdout fever!

2005-08-02T14:10:00.000-05:00

Perhaps no one in the entire sporting universe was more mad at Rafael Palmeiro and Barry Bonds for their rather notorious domination of the sports headlines yesterday and this morning than Terrell Owens, who had what was supposed to be his dramatic entrance into Eagles training camp last night overshadowed. It wasn't for a lack of effort on Owens part, however, as he tried his hardest to make his arrival a circus, wearing a camo T-shirt (he's a soldier, get it?) and oversized headphones so as to not hear reporters' questions and therefore not answer them. (The headphones weren't actually turned on and he could hear everything the reporters were asking him, but that's beside the point, now isn't it?)

Actually, T.O.'s arrival on time at camp makes him nothing but a big 'ol vagina compared to teammates Brian Westbrook and Corey Simon, neither of whom were to be found anywhere near Eagles camp yesterday because of their own contract disputes with the team.

Meanwhile, the Patriots and Richard Seymour avoid a similar distraction by giving the defensive end/linebacker a new deal this morning (those fucking Patriots just always have to do everything better than everyone else, don't they?), but Steelers wideout Hines Ward tells the team to talk to the hand until he gets the scrilla he says he's got coming to him.

Add to that too many first-round picks to mention still unsigned, and all these diva-esque "he-said, she-said" soap operas taking place in training camps all over the place almost make this interminable period before the start of the regular season bearable.

We said almost.

Bonds needs more time to flush system ... rehab, we mean rehab. Yeah, that's it. Rehab.

2005-08-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

We're sure it's a completely coincidental and unrelated sequence of events that mere hours after surefire Hall-of-Famer Raffy Palmeiro is painted with the scarlet "S" across his chest and crucified in the court of public opinion that Barry Bonds just so happens to allude to mlb.com that he probably won't be back on the field this year because of that darn troublesome knee that's seemed to plague him the entire season. Considering the guy had what seemed to us to be basic arthroscopic surgery on his knee back in February, that's a hell of a long time to detox ... we mean, rehab for what should be a rather simple procedure.

Now, obviously it's understandable that all the steroids ... surgery, we mean surgery ... Barry went through could mean a longer time to get that knee back in to shape. We'll put the over/under on the inevitable online head-size comparisons between pre-'roids ... pre-surgery ... we mean pre-surgery ... Barry and the post-surgery version at three weeks after (if) he finally returns next year.

**Image courtesy http://www.brianbehrend.com**

BREAKING NEWS Boner pills may contain steroids

2005-08-01T13:36:00.000-05:00

What exactly do they put in Viagra, anyway? Apparently, beside making you go blind, they'll also cause testicular shrinkage, wild mood swings and the growth of man-titties. That's because Viagra must contain steroids. How else do you explain Hall of Fame-bound Rafael Palmeiro's 10-day suspension today after testing positive for steroids?

Palmeiro, who vehemently denied using steroids in much-publicized testimony in front of Congress back in March, predictably claims he never took any steroids "intentionally," but if he thinks that makes even an inkling of difference in the minds of your average fan (or HOF voter, for that matter), than he's even more of a dumb bastard then we already took him to be.

Major League Baseball, you're a cruel and calculating lover, you bitch. Just when we're ready to give you the silent treatment for the next week because we're so mad about that sham of a trading deadline, you beg us to come back to you by throwing us this, the juiciest of juicy nuggets. Damn you, MLB, damn you!

Worst. Trade deadline. Ever.

2005-07-29T21:52:00.000-05:00

Here we are, less than 48 hours from the end of MLB's nonwaiver trade deadline, and we've got shit to deal with:
- Eric Byrnes gets traded again, this time to the Orioles for Larry Bigbie. An outfielder for an outfielder? Woop-dee-fucking-doo!
- Phil Nevin apparently did not get the memo that he was really not wanted in San Diego, because the Padres went out of their way to deal him to a team on his no-trade clause list (the Rangers) for a glorified batting-practice pitcher still owed $20 million over the next few years (Chan Ho Park).

Wait a minute now, what's this? A three-team mega-deal involving Manny Ramirez, Mike Cameron and the Devil Rays? Hello! Here's something we can have impure thoughts at night about.
What's that? It's hit a "snag," huh? Fuck!

Why does God hate us?

One-hitters: MLB general managers need to get their shit together

2005-07-27T22:43:00.000-05:00

- It's a pretty fucking sad state of affairs when there's more trade activity in the NFL than in Major League Baseball, despite it being deep in the heart of MLB's trading season. Anyway, the Redskins trade wideout Rod Gardner to the Panthers for a conditional draft pick. Wow, we almost fell asleep typing that.
- From the bottom of our hearts, we thank you, Larry, for finally allowing us to get on with the rest of our lives. Honestly, we couldn't function at an acceptable level until we found out whether or not you were going to take the Knicks job. That really could have gone either way.
- Hey, there's no crying in football! Or not.
- Javon Walker, a recent graduate of the Terrell Owens/Drew Rosenhaus School of Locker Room Cancer Effect, reverses field and reports on time for the start of Packers camp, sans new contract.
- We could tell you about the release of the NHL's opening-night schedule for Oct. 5, and how it's unprecedented because all 30 teams will be playing on the same night, but would you really care? Oh, fine. Here.

Bud Selig, tough guy

2005-07-27T16:09:00.000-05:00

We always think it's just soooo cute when MLB commish Bud Selig pretends he has a beanbag and a spine, as he did today when he denied Kenny Rogers' appeal of a 20-game suspension for suggesting better camera-handling techniques to a TV "shooter" shortly before the All-Star game. Selig will undoubtedly walk around with little extra swagger in his shifty step this afternoon, that is until someone asks him why we haven't heard much about that whole steroid policy thing since the beginning of the season or the ASG's all-time low ratings, at which point he'll point up to the sky and say, "Look, it's Superman!" and then slither off into hiding while everyone looks up trying to locate the Man of Steel.

One-hitters: MNF to feature hot girl-on-girl action?

2005-07-26T22:58:00.000-05:00

- ESPN unveils the announcing team for its inaugural run at Monday Night Football starting with the 2006 season. Never mind the battle on the field; we'll be more interested in the battle of egos going in the booth between the incredibly pompous Al Michaels and snarky know-it-all Joe Theismann. More pertinent to our interests is the sideline reporting duo of Suzy "I wanna kiss you" Kolbert and Michelle "at least I'm not Lisa Guerrero" Tafoya. ESPN did not specify as to if Kolbert and Tafoya would each remove a piece of clothing or kiss each other every time a touchdown is scored, but we can dream, can't we?
- We're not sure who has the bigger nutsack involved with this "story:" ESPN, for actually classifying the fact Larry Brown has finally been offered the head coaching gig with the Knicks as "breaking news" ("BREAKING NEWS: Sun is hot!"); or Brown's agent, for having the temerity to say nothing has been finalized. Oh Larry, you foul temptress. Just sign already! We can't take this anymore.
- A little birdy told us that Red Sox uber-slugger Manny "Spaceman" Ramirez (we're really into the nicknames tonight) has gone to Theo Epstein and demanded a trade before this weekend's nonwaiver deadline passes. Alright, you caught us in a lie: That "little birdy" was actually Sports Illustrated's Tom Verducci; we can't link to it here because those greedy fuckers want us to pay for it first. Sorry Tom; we've been disappointed more than a few times by someone wanting us to pay them first before they showed us their goods.
- The parade of first-round NFL draftees signing contracts this week continues: Marlin Jackson of the Colts, Fabian Washington of the Raiders, Luis Castillo of the Chargers and Heath Miller of the Steelers will all more than likely experience the sensation of lighting high-value American currency (an oxymoron, we know) on fire just for the fuck of it.

Brown/Knicks unholy alliance nears completion

2005-07-26T16:22:00.000-05:00

When, oh when, will Larry Brown and the New York Knicks finally put us out of our misery and finish their interminable mating dance by accepting each other as partners worthy of sweet, hot, sweaty love making? If we have to endure even one more report of Brown's recent dining companions or another picture of Isaiah Thomas leaving Brown's home in the Hamptons, we'll simply gouge our eyes out with that pencil laying on our desk and instead have to rely on our imaginations to picture Brown at his eventual press conference taking the job.

ACC athletic directors: "We're rich, beotch!"

2005-07-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

Big East refugees Virginia Tech and Miami are picked by media members to rule the new, 'roided-up ACC that will feature two six-team divisions and a conference championship game. ACC member-school presidents and athletic directors conduct accompanying press conference from a gigantic pile of cash, then remind everyone that a playoff in college football is out of the question because the academic interests of the students have to come first.

One-hitters: Kerry Wood totally hearts the disabled list

2005-07-25T20:01:00.000-05:00

- We hate to say we told you so, but ... wait a minute, no we don't. We fucking love to say we told you so. Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood hits the DL for what seems like the 23rd time in the past season and a half, but we're just guessing. What's more, Wood will apparently be used out of the bullpen when he returns from the DL in 2012.
- Alex Smith, the top overall pick from this year's NFL draft, agreed to terms with the 49ers on a six-year deal worth somewhere in the $50 million-$60 million range, although "only" $24 million of it is guaranteed. We're sure Smith has already wiped his ass with a $100 bill before (courtesy of his agent, Tom Condon, of course), but if he hasn't, he will tonight. Also, since Smith went to school in Utah, we don't know what his stance on hookers is, but we've got a feeling he may relax on that front as well.
- Ditto fellow first-rounders Logan Mankins of the Patriots and Mike Patterson of the Eagles, who both inked five-year deals on Monday. Bill Belichik will immediately set about showing pictures of Peyton Manning to Mankins, only referring to him as "my bitch"; meanwhile, Patterson's first introduction to life in the NFL will be of Terrell Owens questioning Andy Reid's sexual orientation and Donovan McNabb's mental capacity on an hourly basis.
- Phil Nevin uses his no-trade clause to throw a Golden Shower all over the proposed deal between the Padres and Orioles that would have sent him to Crab Country in exchange for Sidney Ponson. Citing "family reasons," Nevin instead opts to stay in San Diego (which we hear is German for "a whale's vagina"), where he might as well get fitted for a Padres-themed cheerleading outfit for as often as he's going to see the field from now on.
- The Indiana Pacers win the lottery for the services of stud Euro point guard Sarunas Jasikevicius, signing the 29-year-old former Maryland standout to a three-year deal. The folks responsible for embroidering the names on NBA jerseys have already started on his uni, in the race against time to have "Jasikevicius" finished by the time the regular season gets under way.

Trade-deadline shakes

2005-07-25T14:23:00.000-05:00

With less than a week left in MLB's non-waiver trade deadline, we must admit that this season's trading activity has sucked balls. By this time last year, huge names like Carlos Beltran had already moved, and we were only days away from equally magnanimous moves involving Nomar Garciaparra, Brad Penny and Paul Lo Duca. This year, we've had shit. The names involved in most rumors aren't nearly as important as last year's, for starters, and the relative parity throughout the league has made it more difficult for most teams to decide whether they're buying or selling. As it stands, the biggest deal on the table is a proposed straight-up swap of Orioles RHP Sidney Ponson for Padres 1B Phil Nevin, who has until tomorrow night to approve the trade.

This doesn't exactly make our soldier stand at attention. While the thoughts of another three-team blockbuster involving franchise guys makes us want to cream ourselves faster than a pubescent male looking at his first issue of Maxim, the current market in which A.J. Burnett is the biggest name out there barely registers a half-wood. We need big names, people!

Generally, the frenetic pace, wild conjecture and unsubstantiated rumors of the trading season is like a drug for us, as we need several tastes a day and notice a negative physical impact when we go too long without. Thus far, MLB's general manager mafia have all basically sat on their hands waiting for others to act, all the while depriving us of our "precious."

So, as a reminder to all the candy-ass GMs out there keeping us from our next hit: We demand satisfaction! Quit trying to keep us down. You wouldn't like us in the throes of desperation.

Ricky Williams' training-camp wake and bake

2005-07-25T08:40:00.000-05:00

Sporting only a canvas duffel bag full of hemp clothing, a yoga mat and a water bong, Ricky Williams made a much-publicized return to the NFL Sunday, reporting on time to the opening of Dolphins training camp.

It's hard to guess where Williams starts camp on the team's depth chart, given the fact Miami used the second overall pick in this year's NFL draft on Auburn back Ronnie Brown. It may be a little easier to guess, however, how he might be received by his former teammates after he upped and quit on them days before training camp started last year, the first turd to fly in a season-long shitstorm that resulted in a 4-12 record for the once-proud franchise.

We've got a feeling, though, that as long as Ricky doesn't bogard his stash, he should be alright. A community joint or two strategically shared should help to mend some fences.

Now at Eagles Camp: The T.O. Freak Show

2005-07-23T09:34:00.000-05:00

Frankly, we're surprised it took Terrell Owens and Drew Rosenhaus this long to figure out the next logical step in their drawn-out pissing contest with the Eagles in an effort to either get a new, restructured contract or a trade. Owens, who had long maintained that he would under no circumstances report to the beginning of training camp next week if his current contract situation stays the same, abruptly changed course last night and said he would report next week.

T.O.'s lightning-quick about-face could be attributed to the fact his current contract calls for him to forfeit up to $2 million of his signing bonus if he's not there when camp opens (he did talk about the need to feed his family, after all), but where's the fun in that? We need drama, people. So now, our guess is that he'll show up and turn Eagles camp into a giant freak show and try to spread his discontent throughout the locker room, thereby forcing the Eagles' hand to either give him a new contract or trade him.

Here's hoping things get way out of hand shortly after Owens arrives. Training camps are so boring when are we hear about are position battles and minor injuries. Stay tuned, as the world turns, etc., etc. ...

One-Nut as bored with TDF as everybody else

2005-07-21T18:41:00.000-05:00

It brings more than a little bit of solace and comfort to know that Lance Armstrong wants to get the Tour de France over with as bad as everybody else does. Is there any sort of "Mercy Rule" in professional cycling? There should be. Harumph.

From the Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept.

2005-07-21T18:20:00.000-05:00

Hey, whaddya know! Kerry Wood's injured! Who'd a thunk it?

Of course, most Cubs fans who watched Wood pitch last night figured he left early after giving up three dongers in the first three innings just because he wanted to take the rest of the night off and instead concentrate on his beautiful White Trash 'Stache, but they'd be wrong. Shoulder "stiffness" will keep Wood out at least one start, but most people who've been through this song-and-dance with the team's medical staff before know "one start" means "Your guess is as good as ours with this pussy. I'll take a rider and say two months?"

(Image courtesy msnbc.msn.com.)

Bill Davidson: Larry who?

2005-07-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

After an incredibly exhaustive and thorough search that lasted at least three hours, the Pistons announced the hiring of Flip Saunders as their new head coach this afternoon. If it seems like it was only yesterday that Pistons owner Bill Davidson and GM Joe Dumars were basically paying Larry Brown $7 million to leave them alone, you'd be wrong. That actually happened this morning, as best we can tell. In fact, we figure Saunders exchanged pleasantries with Brown heading into Davidson's office as Brown was heading out.

Meanwhile, the mating dance between Brown and the Knicks that will inevitably end in sweet, sweet copulation is already under way. Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas has thrust his anal glands in the air for Brown to take in their aroma and ensure he and the franchise will make a suitable partner. Of course, the $10 million a year won't hurt either.

No Bruschi for you!

2005-07-20T16:07:00.000-05:00

Looks like Peyton Manning will have to wait at least another year before Patriots linebacker/Colts tormenter Tedy Bruschi humiliates him in front of a national audience once again, as Bruschi opts to sit out the upcoming NFL season due to lingering after-effects of a mild stroke.

We imagine Manning crying like Nancy Kerrigan from the joy of knowing Bruschi won't make him his personal bitch for the next 12 months. Of course, this probably means Patriots coach Bill Belichik will just hoagie-slap Manning from the sidelines twice as hard to compensate for the missing Bruschi, but at least the poor hick can celebrate for a little while before he realizes that.

Is Jay Leno a sports fan?

2005-07-20T10:59:00.000-05:00

So uber-reviled sports agent Drew Rosenhaus saved a boy from drowning yesterday by reviving him using CPR, huh? We can't even bring ourselves to type a gratuitous "shark-in-the-water" pun here. (We're really hungover. Really hungover.)

Besides, that's what Leno is for.

Obligatory One-Nut update

2005-07-19T12:47:00.000-05:00

Blah, blah, blah ... Lance Armstrong ... blah, blah, blah ... extends lead ... blah, blah, blah ... strong in mountain stage ... blah, blah, blah ... title all but wrapped up ... blah, blah, blah.

Hey, look at that! It's after noon at our world headquarters here. It's martini time!

Clash of the Titans

2005-07-18T23:28:00.000-05:00

Who can blame the NFL for not wanting those greedy bastards in Major League Baseball to be the only ones basking in the trading limelight as of late? (We sure as shit can't.) Bills malcontent RB Travis Henry finally gets his wish of a one-way ticket out of Buffalo and his backup role there, as president Tom Donahoe ships Henry to Tennessee for a third-round pick in next year's draft.

Of course, nobody probably mentioned to Henry that he'll still be a backup when he arrives at his new home behind Chris Brown, but, then again, would you want to kill the guy's buzz? Let him enjoy it for a moment or two before he starts bitching again.

The Brown frown

2005-07-18T23:05:00.000-05:00

Despite the fact he's owed nearly $20 million over three years on the remainder of his contract, and despite he was apparently pimping himself out to be LeBron James' benign grandfatherly mentor in Cleveland while his Pistons team was in the middle of a championship defense, it appears Larry Brown has managed the impossible and is getting Joe Dumars and Bill Davidson to negotiate a buyout. We're sure Isaiah Thomas has already creamed the trousers of his Armani suit more than once today, as he envisions Brown leading his Knicks back to the promised land.

As for the Pistons, we hear former T-Wolves skipper Flip Saunders sits atop Davidson's wish list. As exciting as that sounds, we'll wait to hear who else, if anyone, will be in the mix for the post.

Cue "The Sopranos" theme song

2005-07-15T14:50:00.000-05:00

Is Heat president Pat Riley preparing to "whack" coach Stan Van Gundy so he can reap all the praise and rewards of his team's expected, eventual ascension to the NBA championship? ESPN's Dr. Jack Ramsay thinks so, and says he's got the sources to back him up.

If this story is true, you've got to love the ballsac on Riley to pull a move like this. Two years ago, when the only thing anyone thought the Heat would contend for would be the worst single-season record in Association history, Riley up and quit two weeks for the season began, leaving Van Gundy to deal with the mess. All that fat slob Van Gundy has done in the interim is taken the Heat to the conference finals and within a game of the NBA finals. Now that the team sits on the brink of a breakthrough season, here comes Riley to swoop down and steal all the glory.

We know that when you're Pat "Uncle Knuckles" Riley you get what you want when you want it, and we also know we'll probably end up with our dog shot and a horse's head in our bed just for criticizing him, but we're providing a service here, people. Safety be damned.

On the bright side, however, Van Gundy may be ready for a break. After all, he hasn't been able to devote nearly enough time to his porn career since this coaching gig took up all his time.

Nominee: Personnel move of the Year

2005-07-14T18:35:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, let's see. We're the Los Angeles Lakers. We've just spent a lottery pick on a 7-foot, 300-pound 17-year-old who will need intensive training and attention to have any chance whatsoever of being a success and justifying the pick spent on him. Yet, after Vlade Divac's pending retirement, we don't really have any veteran big men on our roster right now to counsel the young lad and help learn the right way to break in to the league as a teen-ager and build on that success.

So then, let's go out and get ourselves a big man. Who should we get?

I know: Kwame Brown!

Given our propensity to look on the bright side, at least Brown won't have Michael Jordan around to call him a "fucking pussy" anymore.

Kobe Bryant can do that now.

The Open Championship, Day One: Hit the road, Jack

2005-07-14T09:18:00.000-05:00

The two-day (or four-day, depending on if he can somehow makes the cut) St. Andrews love fest in the honor of Jack Nicklaus, playing what he says is his last Open Championship, starts today. Nicklaus shoots a 3-over 75, about as good as that bag of bones can expect to do.

At the other end of the leaderboard, meanwhile, Eldrick Woods (apparently, some people choose to call him by his nickname, "Tiger," but we think that sounds a little childish) whips his hog out and shows the field his is bigger than everybody else's. Woods take just long enough off from porking his Swedish model wife to fire a 6-under 66 (6,66? The mark of the beast!), two strokes better than a group of irrelevant schmucks at 68.

Let's play catch-up, pt. 3

2005-07-14T09:06:00.000-05:00

Baseball's trade season gets a ceremonial kick start just as the second half gets underway: The Rockies begin their annual fire sale, dealing power-hitting but strikeout-prone outfielder Preston Wilson (a free-agent to be after the season) and some scrilla to the first-place Washington Nationals for righty starter Zach Day and a couple of throw-in stiffs.

Colorado didn't stop there, promptly turning around and shipping lefty starter Joe Kennedy and righty reliever Jay Witasik to the surging Oakland A's for outfielder Eric Byrnes and a minor-leaguer.

Oakland brings in one righty for the bullpen, deals another: The A's activate righty submariner Chad Bradford from the DL, only to ship him to Boston for outfielder Jay Payton. Yawn.

The Yankees, never ones to be outdone during trade season, are rumored to be close to a deal for Rockies southpaw reliever Shawn Chacon.

Let the musical chairs begin.

Let's play catch-up, pt. 2

2005-07-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

Speaking of not caring: The man with only one bean in his bag, Lance Armstrong, takes control of the Tour de France as the Alps portion wraps up its second day. Is it just us, or has this thing been going on since early March?

Let's play catch-up, pt. 1

2005-07-14T08:53:00.000-05:00

Busy day at the office yesterday (yes, we have real jobs), so let's play a little catch up from an altogether thrilling and exciting day (did that sound sarcastic enough?) from the world of sports:

The NHL is back on! Pending ratification by both sides of a new collective bargaining agreement, a tentative deal has been reached to bring hockey back for the '05-'06 season.

Great. Now people can go back to talking about just how much they don't care about the NHL.

One-hitters: Slow news day

2005-07-12T22:15:00.000-05:00

- Oh, for God's sake, how long are we going to have to feign interest in that cute little bike ride taking place in France before we can get back to real sports? Fine - allow us to indulge thee: The Uni-balled One does as expected and rides a dominating second-place finish in the first Alps stage to reclaim the Yellow Jersey. Can they just declare him the winner already?
- You've got to hand it to Larry Brown: Just weeks after the grand mercenary of coaches was ready to bolt D-Town to be LeBron James' father figure in the middle of the fucking Eastern Conference finals, he's now angling to instead get himself canned by Pistons owner Bill Davidson, who would then own Brown a cool $18 million for the remaining three years of his contract. Somewhere, Isaiah Thomas sits by the phone, checkbook in hand.
- Another highly disappointing case of reality being much more boring than what we had hoped for: Florida State quarterback Wyatt Sexton, who made headlines with his rather bizarre antics in public a few weeks ago, is diagnosed with Lyme disease and will miss the upcoming season. This story was much more interesting when there was the possibility he had been the victim of some bad acid at Bonnaroo.

Randy McMichael channels Ike Turner

2005-07-12T13:45:00.000-05:00

Dolphins tight end Randy McMichael is arrested for allegedly giving his wife a bloody nose over the weekend, his second such arrest for hitting wife Cawanna in just 13 months. But look on the bright side: At least she wasn't pregnant this time.

It's all about baby steps, folks.

Unintentionally amusing headline of the day

2005-07-12T13:25:00.000-05:00

Halfway down the "Headlines" box in the upper right hand corner:

"Harrington decides to pull out"

Good call, Paddy. If you're not going to wrap that shit up, then pull and pray, dear friend, pull and pray.

My coach is a Homo

2005-07-11T22:45:00.000-05:00

Even though this took place right in our backyard, we had to go through about 14 links to get to this story. (It may have to do with the fact we sleep for roughly 18 or 19 hours a day, but who's nitpicking?) Thankfully, however, we were not disappointed. You'd almost feel sorry for the poor bastard with a cursed moniker like that - if it weren't so fucking funny.

(We should probably credit this guy just to be safe. Our litigation department is on vacation this week.)

One-hitters: Against the grain version

2005-07-11T22:00:00.000-05:00

- It seems like we're supposed to get a kindler, gentler Ron Artest next year. Also, Tom Cruise says he won't attack new mothers with postpartum depression for being pill-popping psycho hose beasts as much.
- College football's Bowl Championship Series unveils a new ranking system after the AP and ESPN take their balls and go home, telling the BCS not to use their polls in determining BCS participants. The new system, sexily named the Harris Interactive College Football Poll, won't rely on dubious preseason rankings in determining BCS slots when it debuts a month in to the season. Unfortunately, we didn't notice the words "tournament" or "playoff" anywhere in the first three paragraphs of this story, so we went back to looking at porn. Nothing weird, though. Strictly hetero stuff.
- Michelle Wie fires a back-nine 41 in the U.S. Amateur Publinx today, falling to the middle of the pack in a bold effort to get an improbable bid to the '06 Masters. We have one question: Is she 18 yet?
- "Ol' One-Nut" Lance Armstrong hits the mountain stages in the Tour de France, holding a slim lead heading into what has traditionally been his strongest segment of the race. The start of the next stage apparently had to be moved to prevent some wacky French farmers from blocking the race in protest of wolves attacking their sheep and cows. So then, who exactly are they protesting to? The wolves? Good luck with all of that. We've heard wolves don't take too kindly to civil disobedience.

All-Star game starters: And you are?

2005-07-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

The starting pitchers for Tuesday night's MLB All-Star game have recently been announced, and we must tell you that if you can't get excited after reading these names, then you are obviously dead inside. White Sox lefty Mark Buerhle will take the ball (and his ridiculous facial hair) to the mound for the AL; somebody named Chris Carpenter (we had to look him up) will start for the NL. Frankly, we're slightly aroused just typing about this matchup of pitching titans. We shudder to think at how we'll possibly contain our excitement once the game gets underway. Kleenex will be in abundance, to say the least.

Larry hearts LeBron

2005-07-08T13:40:00.000-05:00

Jesus Christ, for as much as we hate the NBA, we find ourselves having to wade through a lot of Association news at the moment. After this one, we'll need to take a shower, if you don't mind.

Much like Katie Holmes was Tom Cruise's third choice (behind Scarlett Johansen and Jessica Alba) to play the female lead in his current agreem... we mean relationship, so too has LeBron James ended up with his third choice in his "Who Wants to be My Second Fiddle?" contest with former Wizard guard Larry Hughes. Hughes, who averaged 22 ppg last season for the Wizards but also has a rather nefarious history of injury and attitude issues (in the NBA?), nonetheless gets a reported $65-$70 million to play Roy to James' Siegfried — or is that his Siegfried to James' Roy?

Over/under on Hughes' first sideline temper tantrum from not getting enough touches of the ball because of King James? Our money's going on game 10.

The Bucks Stotts here (zinger!)

2005-07-08T13:34:00.000-05:00

The enduring mystery of just who will be on the receiving end of turd-encrusted $100 bills tossed by newly minted franchise player Michael Redd has finally been decided, as some guy named Terry Stotts was named the Bucks new head coach today. Stotts coached the indescribably bad Atlanta Hawks for a year and a half in 2002-2003; he's actually that franchise's winningest coach with a record of 9-157.

GattBlue airlines

2005-07-08T10:51:00.000-05:00

Anyone with a working knowledge of Indiana University basketball (we can't shoot our gun off in a drunken rage outside our headquarters without hitting one) remembers Alan Henderson as an Indiana prep star and IU All-American in the early and mid-90's. Most people also remember him having as much street cred as Tucker Carlson.

With his recent arrest at an airport for trying to take his gatt on a plane, Henderson's either trying harder to fit in with the rest of the NBA, or the league actually gave him one to cut out that "clean-cut shit" and play up the street cred thing. Iverson's not going to be around forever, you know.

Dead man channel surfing

2005-07-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

This is pretty fucked up right here. Homeboy liked himself some Steelers football. If you're really feeling the urge to get creeped out at work, click on "Slideshow" halfway down the article and look at pictures from this guy's wake.

One-hitters

2005-07-07T21:49:00.000-05:00

- Wow, the Cubs really suck. Even for the Cubs, they suck. In fact, they're the suckiest bunch of sucks who've ever sucked.
- To ease their sanctimonious, pretentious ace's return from the DL, Red Sox coach Terry Francona and GM Theo Epstein want to start Curt Schilling out in the bullpen. Wouldn't seem to be much of a problem, right, given the fact Boston's bullpen is easier to score on than Tara Reid at a Grammy post-party ? One problem, however: Johnny Damon no likey. Uh-oh: Can you say drama?
- Michelle Wie fired an opening-round 70 (1-under) today at the John Deere Classic. Wie is looking to become the first female to make the cut at a PGA event in 60 years. Whatever. Call us when she turns 18 and poses for Playboy. She may only be 15, but she's working on a world-class rack there. Not that we've noticed.
- Since they've got so much goodwill stored up with fans and the general sporting public, both the NHL and the NHLPA find it necessary to vehemently deny reports of a pending labor agreement for next year. Good call guys, 'cause you don't actually want people to think your little soap opera might be over.

Redd alert

2005-07-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

Anyone from our haunts here in the Heartland will remember Michael Redd as a sharpshooting phenom who lit up the Big 10(11) at Ohio State for the better part of two years. Imagine our surprise to learn that Mr. Redd is not only alive and well, but also playing in the "NBA" for a team called the Milwaukee "Bucks." The things you learn every day!

Not only that, the Redd Rocket opted not to head south to Cleveland and play Robin to Lebron James' Batman (the Burt Ward/Adam West homoerotic version, natch) and will instead stay in Brat City, where he can build on an exciting future of five straight .500 seasons and first-round playoff exits. Well, at least he can wipe his ass with $100 bills and throw them at his coach when he tries to get someone else the ball in crunchtime. (Whoever the coach on the receiving end of those fecal-encrusted benjoes will be remains to be seen.)

McMillan to Sonics: 'It's not you, it's me'

2005-07-07T08:41:00.000-05:00

We're going to go out on a limb here and say Ray Allen wasn't enthused to learn that his Sonics coach from the recently completed season, Nate McMillan, had tossed a collective "Peace out!" to the organization just a day after the shooting guard signed a five-year deal to remain in the Emerald City. (Well, as unhappy as one can be after signing a deal that'll pay you $16 mil a year, anyway.)

McMillan, whose current contract with the Sonics expired just last week, decided to take the short hop down the I-5 to Portland, where he'll oversee a colorful roster full of repeat drug offenders, nanny-rapers (allegedly) and gun-toting malcontents. (We know this doesn't differentiate the Blazers from just about any other NBA roster, but they're still the cream of the crop.) The once-proud Portlanders went an appalling 27-55 last year, so the new coach is got nowhere to go but up, we guess. Then again, he's got three-first-round picks who came straight out of high school the past three years clogging up his roster, so maybe he could go lower yet, huh? Should be fun to watch! If we actually watched the NBA, that is.

The Gambler: 'My bad, y'all'

2005-07-06T15:26:00.000-05:00

Former country singer and current Texas Rangers southpaw Kenny Rogers finally apologized for his horrific cameraman-assault rampage last week, a much-publicized event in which he overzealously suggested better camera-handling techniques to local "shooters" out of genuine concern for their health and workplace safety. Rogers' mea culpa (against the advice of his lawyer — who'd a thunk it?) brings to an end a week-long "will-he-or-won't-he" debate that had gripped the nation.

What remains to be seen, however, is if the ginormous red-ass Rogers will participate in next week's All Star game in Detroit (since MLB's spineless commish, Bud Selig, will not make the decision himself) or opt to stay away from the spotlight and instead assault cameramen closer to home.

Reached for a comment after hearing Rogers apology, one of the cameramen, Larry Rodriguez, issued a brief response: "Cha-ching! Cha-ching!"

Another reason to hate the French

2005-07-06T13:34:00.000-05:00

Evidently, people get paid (and, even worse, people turn out to watch) to ride their bikes around for a month in France and it's a big deal. Whatever. Some guy named Lance Armstrong (we've never heard of him either) is trying to win this cute little race for the seventh straight time before he retires to a life of banging his rocker girlfriend. Although, we did have to laugh when we found out he only had one nut.

French surrender again

2005-07-06T09:38:00.000-05:00

Wow, people really do hate the French, and apparently not just Americans. Despite being viewed as overwhelming favorites to bring home the 2012 Olympiad, those "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" take an ass-woopin' from a European counterpart once again, as London is awarded the summer games instead. (This despite the fact Britain has no actual summer. Or good food, for that matter. Just ask Chirac.)

Let's get ready to .... well, you know

2005-07-06T09:31:00.000-05:00

Be it an NBA player with more illegitimate children than a blues guitarist or wife-carrying contests in former Soviet bloc countries, the world of sports has a lighter side. And a darker side. We're here to make sense of it all for you. Or not.

Welcome to Jock Scraps. Tell your friends!

Jock scraps

Kyle Orton - He's no Gary Moeller

Let's play catch-up!

Sports Cliche of the Week - Vote now!

Boxing, please go bye-bye

Mindfuck of the day: Billy Corgan knows more about baseball than you

Atlanta Braves fans do the Tomahawk Chop of Infectious-Disease Death

Wired gets juiced

Unintentionally arousing headline of the day

Uncle Swann

Jock Scraps lives! (For now)

Bill Simmons, Menace 2 Society

Monday-evening catchup: Maurice Clarett, meet the Toronto Argonauts

Sports Cliche of the Day: The results

Lance on France: Let them eat cheese. Or suck it. I really don't care.

Sports Cliche of the Day: 23 August 2005

Sports Cliche of the Day: The Results

Seriously, folks ...

New feature: Sports Cliche of the Day

Thursday evening roundup: Randy likes candy

Law & Order: U-Con (We just thought that up. Seriously.)

Monday-evening/Weekend catchup/wrap-up/review etc. et al

McNabb, T.O. probably won't be whispering sweet nothings to each other. Or will they?

Jason White is still alive?

Gratuitous, tasteless joke alert

Wednesday-evening catchup: T.O. cuts the fuck out

One-hitters: Trapped in a glass case of emotion

Monday-evening catchup: T. Bertuzzi free to donkey-punch once again

NCAA scalps use of Injun nicknames

College football: Trojans to provide ribbed pleasure, protection from top of preseason poll

BREAKING: Pranksters sabotage PGA tourney in Colorado?

Sheff don't take no mess

From the Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept.

NIT goes crying to mommy

Orioles tell Mazzilli they just want to be friends

From the Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept.

Annals of sports business: Competition to tag-team Nike?

One-hitters: Stevie Wonder afraid of the outside

Obligatory hockey item of the day

We've got holdout fever!

Bonds needs more time to flush system ... rehab, we mean rehab. Yeah, that's it. Rehab.

**BREAKING NEWS** Boner pills may contain steroids

Worst. Trade deadline. Ever.

One-hitters: MLB general managers need to get their shit together

Bud Selig, tough guy

One-hitters: MNF to feature hot girl-on-girl action?

Brown/Knicks unholy alliance nears completion

ACC athletic directors: "We're rich, beotch!"

One-hitters: Kerry Wood totally hearts the disabled list

Trade-deadline shakes

Ricky Williams' training-camp wake and bake

Now at Eagles Camp: The T.O. Freak Show

One-Nut as bored with TDF as everybody else

From the Knock Us Over With a Feather Dept.

Bill Davidson: Larry who?

No Bruschi for you!

Is Jay Leno a sports fan?

Obligatory One-Nut update

Clash of the Titans

The Brown frown

Cue "The Sopranos" theme song

Nominee: Personnel move of the Year

The Open Championship, Day One: Hit the road, Jack

Let's play catch-up, pt. 3

Let's play catch-up, pt. 2

Let's play catch-up, pt. 1

One-hitters: Slow news day

Randy McMichael channels Ike Turner

Unintentionally amusing headline of the day

My coach is a Homo

One-hitters: Against the grain version

All-Star game starters: And you are?

Larry hearts LeBron

The Bucks Stotts here (zinger!)

GattBlue airlines

Dead man channel surfing

One-hitters

Redd alert

McMillan to Sonics: 'It's not you, it's me'

The Gambler: 'My bad, y'all'

BREAKING NEWS Boner pills may contain steroids